So I've been going through a lot of changes these last few months. I've been working like a Jamaican and trying to survive on my own. It was hard, but it definitely showed me that I am a survivor and I have a lot of endurance. After being admitted for care for exhaustion and dehydration, I decided to leave one of my lifelong dream jobs at the St. Louis Symphony. I was so worried of what people would think, but I put that in front of my health. Which looking back was so stupid and immature. I realize now, that I am always doing that living in fear of others' judgement. And now that I see how small minded that is, I have finally started to feel free. I humbled myself and moved home, back into an environment that has some dysfunctions. However, I know now that I need to center myself and be financially secure for my future in order to be successful.
Since being here, I've worked as a Home Health Aide for a family friend, and it was a very eye opening experience. I've learned about showing grace, love, and empathy toward another human that I didn't really have any emotional connection with or a pre-established relationship with. My client was old, ornery, and trying to adapt to having onset dementia. She was later moved to a in-patient assisted living and I was out of a job. So I've had a lot of free time to think. I realized that I want to be in the helping profession. I have been a helpmate to my friends for as long as I could remember. But since I didn't have proper boundaries, it led to some resentment, towards some. So now that I am evaluating my relationships, I am realizing that I need to let some of my friends, become acquaintances and some acquaintances become better friends. Life is about the memories you make, so why not be around affirming people who love and support you every step of the way. It seems like such a simple thing to accept, but yet so many have grappled with this idea, After a job interview to be a recovery case worker at a local substance abuse and mental health facility, the interviewer told me how challenging this idea is and how once mastered your well being will increase tremendously. I hope I can continue to be strong in this aspect.
I am also on a fast, where I am trying to eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, no meat or dairy. It's been a challenge, but I think that I can do it. I also have been utilizing my time to learn my newly acquired guitar, affectionately named Imani which means Faith (To believe with all our hearts in ourselves, our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle), from Kevin. I'm hoping to surprise him with a song, played and sung by Valentine's Day. We'll see though soon. Well speaking of Kevin, I've been looking toward the future and not being a full state and three hours away from one another. I pray that he is someone that God, placed in my life permanently and not just for a season. I've never met someone that was so interested in what I think and why I do things. I definitely feel like he brings out the best in me. I feel more now that I know him, I love more, get frustrated, and cry more. It is so different being so emotional, when I am not a person who likes expressing my emotions. But I realize now that this is a blessing, because it has allowed me to become a new more evolved me and I ultimately do love it.
I miss my friends in St. Louis, but I am definitely re-newing and strengthening my friendships in Illinois. I've missed Aminah, Meredith, and my friends from Panera and hope to work on all of these while I am here. I've missed them too and now I have the the time and the proximity to become a more involved friend. So things are ok right now. Minor stressors at home, but I've being talking to someone new who is biblically based and super helpful. So I have faith that things will get better. Pray for me and my employment and my happiness and well- being. Much appreciation.
Hugs, Love, and only Medicinal Drugs.
