A New year...hence new changes will ensue

...Save As...

           And so another year has managed to slip by...just to recap since it has been a huge amount of time since I've posted here last. This last year encompassed. Me returning to school and successfully finishing, to my surprise and joy. It is crazy how something that I longed for so much, and at times never thought or mostly just fear and doubt that I would get; I now have. Not saying that it isn't something that I am happy to have I am; but things have shifted in my life, as they tend to always do. What was once an ever constant thought of importance, now drifts into just a has been. An old professor of mine coined the clever phrase Shift Happens. And back then I just chuckled it to be a clever use of literary jargon, but now it has taken on such a deeper meaning in my life.

          I think in very visual terms, most times in life I see situation as lessons that God is teaching me or revealing His grace towards me. And of course, in His true fashion He shows up whenever, not that I am complaining, and this morning it was in the fashion of a hailstorm waking me up, at 5 AM, I might add. Coming to the soon conclusion that sleep wasn't going to be an option any longer, I thought about doing some updates to my computer. Then I got a thought, every time I do something, anything, or update, I get prompted to Save As. And this phrase continuously, stuck with me through every task I continued to do. The whole process of saving and that I must relinquish control over it momentarily in order to be refreshed and renewed. I can maintain the same old document or system, by myself or I can allow something to automatically do it for me as long as I agree to allow it happen. This is just like with my relationship with God. 

          I must admit, I plan and I mean plan to a T. It's something I've always done and love doing, so much that I decided to make an collegiate career out of it :) But one thing that I know God always tries to instill in me is that I can't plan or do it all; and where I fall short is where he fills in the ever growing gap. My life is going to continue to grow with new opportunities, responsibilities, interests, and relationships. But there is always going to be part of me that wants certain aspects or experiences to stay the same and be frozen in a small ripple of time like personal snowglobes. But that isn't life and that is not what God intended it to be either. He wants us to go through things and experience it all. The joys and the trials, so that we can come out on the other side stronger, closer, and more like Him. And He is all perfect, lacking nothing. And in order to lack nothing, you have to got through something. So in order for me to grow, I need to well grow. I need to be willing to allow God to come in and make the improvements to become better. Not everyone will be on board with these changes, and I might resist them somewhat myself, but it's not my will but His. 

        The beauty of God's love is that He will love me regardless of what I do. I have made my share of mistakes in life, but he loves me anyway and through it all. Looking back over the last year, I have grown and changed even if slowly, but through it all I have been blessed. I had an opportunity to live out one of my dreams of event management in an internship for a symphony. Where I met some of the funniest, hard working, and influential people. To think that I applied for weeks for internships all over the country, and when I began to doubt and feel unworthy of any opportunity outside of my comfort zone, a visual blessing happened. I remembered I was working looking for a homework assignment and my father on the phone, pinpointed the exact place I had left it. Huffing in frustration, and likely rolling my eyes at the thought of someone that is not presently in my shoes telling me their suggestions of what I should do. But as soon as I gave up the hopeless attempt of looking for it my way, I at last looked in the spot he told me to. And, but of course it was there. With direction and guidance, and after my of course running around in my typical 

(I can do/figure it out by myself) circle, I had found what I had been searching for. In my dad's usual sarcastic fashion he said

"Did you find it? Jasmine did you find it?" 

"*sheepishly* Yes"

"Can I ask you something?

"Sure"

"Can I hit you?"

"What?!?!"

"Can I hit you? You know like when the world gets tough and you get frustrated or angry and you just want to hit something...that's what I am here for, because I am your dad. And right now I am kind of frustrated and need something to hit."

In a funny way, but true way my dad is right. When the world gets tough or you seem to not be able to figure your life out sometimes, you just want to be angry. Sadly sometimes we vent it out on friends, family, or even worse unsuspecting individuals we don't even know. But instead of spinning in circles, no matter how productive we think they might are, they standardly do nothing but exhaust us and lead to destruction. Now not saying do nothing and wait for a sign every morning before getting out of bed. But there is always a balance. 

   Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God (Philippians 4:6 NIV). 

Do what you can in life and when a situation gets too much for you to bear, being able to effectively step back and agree with God that you need to stop and Save your work thus far towards the problem, but allowing him to update or finish the rest of necessary requirements in order for completion. 

       I know that an issue I have with people is obviously my boundaries. I love to love people, and typically would do whatever I can for them. However, sometimes I do believe I end up enabling people. And upon borrowing a book, which I highly recommend everyone read,  Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I see how much my life could improve by just adjusting what and how I put myself out there; in order to improve the likelihood of producing more healthy relationships. Honestly reading this book is really inspiring and enlightening and I'm only on page 31. I can't wait to read more of what it has to unfold, and watch the improvements that it continues to make in my life. Not only do I feel God trying to re-adjust how I view being a loving helpful person, but I need to change how I handle things as well. When have any problem, I typically stew over it for awhile. Eventually, I approach the usual suspects that try and help me with any problem I face, then upon collecting all my thoughts and their opinion. I typically leave in for a day or so and then wash it all out by breaking down and asking Jesus for His weigh in. And it is after that when I get my answer or at least a sense of peace. Now I could've avoided that whole cycle, by just doing the last step first; but I acknowledge that I am a work in progress, and hopefully that I am a step closer to being more of Him and less of me.  I only pray that God continues to hit Save As in my life, and I continue to see His blessings all around me. 

        As for just a mere personal note, I am living the nomadic life. Though I have always been able to make a home pretty much anywhere (which is a great and difficult at the same time). It would appear that St. Louis is supposed to be where I need to be for awhile. I am still in moments of transition, but I God Willing and I have faith that it will happen. I am so happy with so many of my current friendships. While some are changing and drifting apart, although hard it all seems deep down it's for the best. In addition to my usual confidants, God has blessed me with an amazing man, to be there for me, through all of these changes. Despite some issues, life is always surprising me on with how things can always change for the better. When looking at my situation two months ago and all the fear I had, to now waking up and looking forward with nothing but hope. 

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” 
― Leo Tolstoy