Your subtleties.... They strangle me..... I can't explain myself at all.

     Sorry about the melodramatic title. It seems as though as I have began to get more peace in my life the drama somehow finds me again and comes to rear it's ugly head again. I feel as though if I stay I will wish that I went and if I go I will regret that I ever left. I have no idea or clue what I want. 


     The worst thing that someone can ever do for me is assume that they know me. That is just like spitting in my face, don't act as though since we shared a cappuccino and exchanged a few words that you are ready to write my autobiography. People who say stuff to to the effect of "I feel like I don't know you anymore"  should receive the response did you ever? But they usually get a casual and cordial head nod, that will give them the perception that I understand what they are saying and will take it into account tomorrow when I wake up. HA!!  I don't fit into your mold of token black girl or they mold of hood figure. Wait stop hold the phone, who ever died and left you in charge of dishing out labels. Having to deal with people on a daily basis trying to analyze me and categorize me into their boxes pisses me off. GUESS WHAT make a new box that is marked unsure or make a new friend. (I love the two pictures that I posted the top one of the guy is one of my all time favorites I feel like him a lot in my life, the one to the left is a girl with many post it notes/ labels on her except for the most important one happiness). Don't tell me that I need to be more like your hypocritical self. That is something else that I cannot stand if you know that you are not living right don't offer up help or words of advice to anyone... save them for YOURSELF... because you probably need it more than I do.  My life is an open book and if you want to truly be my friend and get to know me then take my hand and I will never let go, of this I am sure.


      I know that reverting to past ways will be frowned upon by many, but when the new aged techniques don't work I don't know what else to do, when all of the things go bump in the middle of the night. Well I know that I didn't sign up for this ... and guess what I will leave it all behind.. not metaphorically but literally... life is change and I have the power to decide the choices I make in my life and I will start now. One of my best friends Chelsea stated once that she would not drink due to the inkling that she would become an alcoholic, I laughed then but understand now. I would too probably use the drink to ease the labor pains that come with waking up everyday and living life. No one ever said that life would be easy so when it is not, you have no one to complain to.  I feel like those types of coping mechanisms are nothing but crutches --> a way for you to leave reality for a while. But you know what it will be waiting for you when you come back. I don't see any sense in trying to run away from life it will come back and bite you even harder than before.  


      I reflect back to the days of my youth and wonder how the world could change so much in a short period of time. It seemed like everyone could and wanted to be my friend. That boys had cooties and weren't meant to be loved in the same way that your daddy was. That the world was a sweet and big place free from oppression and double standards. I look around at little children now a days and want to shake them and tell them to WAKE UP and breathe in reality. But who am I to do such a thing, when no one did this to me. It is up to each individual to believe in what they want to. Some people live in an idealistic world, where everything is sunshine, kittens and magical unicorns. Some people live in a pessimistic world, where there is no way that they can ever win and everyone set up road blocks just for them. Now me and most of those that I surround myself with live in the realistic world. This is where we embrace both natures of the other worlds and interpret them to the world that we live in and relate our own personal experience to them. For instance I know that not all the world is racist, but I cannot erase the incident from my first time on my college campus when a drunken fellow student (whom I did not know) called me a n***er to my face. Now I will repeat I know that the whole world is not racist, but when I think of race this is one of the images that pops in my mind. Not allowing me to adopt the optimistic attitude due to me having proof of the contrary. 
  
    I miss my family and yet still  have the need to be detached. My brother is at the point in his life where many people would call a cross roads. He could accept the peace corps offer or go back to school. Of course I want him to choose the latter, but this like many things is not up to me. I just want him to be happy because that is all that really matters at the end of the day. He has a heart for missionary work and I get that, but it still pulls at my heart strings to know that he won't be four hours away. My mother who usually protective me and wants to shield me, is someone who occupies my mind and phone a lot. I miss her being there when I wake up and being my reference when life gets a little too tough. Even though I barely make time to talk to her when she calls. I maybe speak to my family once a month, messed up I know. Why I do this, I wish I knew. My dad I don't know what to say about him. He loves me, but I can count on one hand how many times he has verbalized it. But he shows it in his actions by getting up and going to work everyday and spending the night on my floor when I am sick. I love my family and need to make a point to show them my true sentiments more. 


     I continually pray for patience and understanding. I want to be able to embrace others and their stories and they my own. I want patience to deal with people whom I do not understand and those who wish to understand me but just can't. It is hard to understand why God has giving me such opportunities that I feel like others should have been bestowed and would be able to do so much better than I would in my own current state. Why does God constantly put my name in the minds of my superiors. When I feel on a daily basis that I am doing a million things wrong, and yet they perceive it all as right. Unnecessary pressure is a understatement. But I am striving through him to be able to take the blessings that he has given me and make them bountiful. 


~Repent and Praise Imo-hem ~
~ So let me take this medicine. To quench my love of violent things. My swan song will. Be like a bullet  laced in anger. As the razor cuts the soft spot of my heel. 
Do you see. The life I life I lead. And so follow me into the sun.~

New year....New??? Then why does it feel old ?

So this year I am a sophomore, but I feel like a senior. I constantly keep fighting the feeling of get in and get out. I look around and count down the days until I graduate. "College is a tutorial for life" are words that plague my mind on a daily basis. I do enjoy my surroundings and my friends, but I can't help but think that the world is much bigger and better and I am missing out on so much. I am growing in the relationships with people here both students and administration and new opportunities continue to pop up. So I take them. I miss my buddies at home which is a pleasant surprise, due to the fact that I talk to them more than I did at home. I will be spending this winter break in New York, which will be epic and hopefully life changing. My plan is to be there after my senior year if not before. Everyday it seems that I am continually asking the question why? 
~ Why didn't I look more into my options?
~ Why are people so horrible and crude?
~ Why do I have the type of relationships with people that I do?
~ Why do people live hypocritical lives?
~ Why can't say what I mean and mean what I say?
~ Why can't the past be erased?
I always think about going back and change what once was, and I hear the saying of people  who do not regret the past because it made them who you are today. But what if you do not like who you are? I mean I do, but what if a person really cannot stand waking up to the same habitual lifestyle and wants to go back and do it all over. How about if the world is full of confusion and you are always questioning whether or not to say something in the face of an injustice. To become that one person that those either see as a martyr or a traitor. Life is a constant struggle. A struggle that must be overcome if you want to succeed. All I ever have to do in life is breathe and the rest is icing. I cannot go back in change the past, but I can determine how it affects me and I can go back to the people and forgive them or explain my motives. Since much time has probably past they might not care, but for the few that do it will matter. And even if they don't care, it doesn't matter as because the most important person that cares is YOU!
People are complicated and complex creatures. They can always undergo the process of evolving. No person has to stay the exact same way any year, day, hour, or even second. People whose goal is to blend in and not be different scare me. What is this normal standard that everyone is trying to be like? Can I get an explanation? Because I don't think anybody would fit into that constrictive and well defined mold. Anyone who tries to be out of the box is someone that I think can change the world. You can't work by society's standards you must strive to create your own. Now not Fight Club type of mentality, but not Matrix acceptance level either. There has to be some type of middle ground. I think that it is funny that women are held up to a higher standard and yet are oppressed. The world is such a big confusing place and I am just trying read my map and figure my way out through it. To each day it's own. I am going to attempt to live each day like it's my last. That means hugging people longer and acknowledging those who I am not their biggest fan. Having conversations with people that take my breath away and discussing problems instead of wishing them away. Life is Life. And that is all I have to say about that!