Today A New Day

So I've been going through a lot of changes these last few months. I've been working like a Jamaican and trying to survive on my own. It was hard, but it definitely showed me that I am a survivor and I have a lot of endurance. After being admitted for care for exhaustion and dehydration, I decided to leave one of my lifelong dream jobs at the St. Louis Symphony. I was so worried of what people would think, but I put that in front of my health. Which looking back was so stupid and immature. I realize now, that I am always doing that living in fear of others' judgement. And now that I see how small minded that is, I have finally started to feel free. I humbled myself and moved home, back into an environment that has some dysfunctions. However, I know now that I need to center myself and be financially secure for my future in order to be successful. 

Since being here, I've worked as a Home Health Aide for a family friend, and it was a very eye opening experience. I've learned about showing grace, love, and empathy toward another human that I didn't really have any emotional connection with or a pre-established relationship with. My client was old, ornery, and trying to adapt to having onset dementia. She was later moved to a in-patient assisted living and I was out of a job. So I've had a lot of free time to think. I realized that I want to be in the helping profession. I have been a helpmate to my friends for as long as I could remember. But since I didn't have proper boundaries, it led to some resentment, towards some. So now that I am evaluating my relationships, I am realizing that I need to let some of my friends, become acquaintances and some acquaintances become better friends. Life is about the memories you make, so why not be around affirming people who love and support you every step of the way. It seems like such a simple thing to accept, but yet so many have grappled with this idea, After a job interview to be a recovery case worker at a local substance abuse and mental health facility, the interviewer told me how challenging this idea is and how once mastered your well being will increase tremendously. I hope I can continue to be strong in this aspect. 

I am also on a fast, where I am trying to eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, no meat or dairy. It's been a challenge, but I think that I can do it. I also have been utilizing my time to learn my newly acquired guitar, affectionately named Imani which means Faith (To believe with all our hearts in ourselves, our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle), from Kevin. I'm hoping to surprise him with a song, played and sung by Valentine's Day. We'll see though soon. Well speaking of Kevin, I've been looking toward the future and not being a full state and three hours away from one another. I pray that he is someone that God, placed in my life permanently and not just for a season. I've never met someone that was so interested in what I think and why I do things. I definitely feel like he brings out the best in me. I feel more now that I know him, I love more, get frustrated, and cry more. It is so different being so emotional, when I am not a person who likes expressing my emotions. But I realize now that this is a blessing, because it has allowed me to become a new more evolved me and I ultimately do love it. 

I miss my friends in St. Louis, but I am definitely re-newing and strengthening my friendships in Illinois. I've missed Aminah, Meredith, and my friends from Panera and hope to work on all of these while I am here. I've missed them too and now I have the the time and the proximity to become a more involved friend. So things are ok right now. Minor stressors at home, but I've being talking to someone new who is biblically based and super helpful. So I have faith that things will get better. Pray for me and my employment and my happiness and well- being. Much appreciation.

Hugs, Love, and only Medicinal Drugs.

The Date Challenge...not for the faint at heart or wallet I should say :)

So me and Kevin have been dating for ten months now and like most college aged students money can sometimes be an unspoken topic. Why is this, one might ask? It could be embarrassment, fear of hurting the other's feelings, or just simply not knowing what to say. I know so many people buy into the "guy should pay for everything" mentality and that chivalry needs to be more prominent in today's society. But I have thoughts similar to the lovely ladies during the suffrage movement. They worked hard to make women be treated more equally. I would never say that I don't want Kevin to treat me less than a woman should be, but I also want him to treat me as an equal, partner, friend, and confidant. So I believe that when dealing with the monetary aspect of things, I must approach things delicately. I still want him to plan dates and engage in the relationship, what girl wouldn't want that. But why should I be the receiver of all that time planning in addition to the acts of love. He deserves it just as much as I do. I work, make money, want us to do things, and have great date ideas. So why not surprise him and take him out for things. Well I shall! After having a talk, which went so much better than anticipated, we agreed. It's not an act of emasculation, but an act of equality. It's a new-age form of expressing my love for my counterpart, instead of the age old house cleaning and food preparation traditional approach, which I am not passing any judgement on. I, for one, want to do other things as well. 

So while at work, when I coulda shoulda woulda been doing other things, I came up with a great idea. So we of course do the standard spontaneous cheaper activities like FroYo or late night Taco Bell runs. But what if we decided to plan and execute a higher quality date, that if done right would still be budget conscious yet fun and engaging, evoking memories that we'll remember. So I propose that we have 20 dates for 20 dollars. Now these dates can be dispersed as schedules as money allows, but they must happen. The goal is not to go over $20, unless the tip counts for more, because I've been a waitress and know that the struggle is real. I will also add, it would be nice if the person being taken on the date leave the tip to keep the date under $20 and just to be courteous as well. 

I think this is going to be an awesome experiment/experience. I already went on my first date yesterday with Kevin. The day of inception for this idea was the first date. I was really excited and when I say excited you gotta ask Kevin, he thought I was on something (that EXCITED!). So I will keep posting our dates, Kevin's and my reactions, and recommendations of places. 

1) Creve Coeur Park: Made a picnic consisting of pulled pork sandwiches, green beans, mandarin oranges, sweet corn, salads that were layered in Mason jars, and drinks. Of course blankets and a spot by the side of the lake. However, it rained on us like a LOt; so it ended up having a location change, to my apartment. But he was so surprised and loved it. And despite the rain, we had a fantastic time together. I couldn't have asked for more.

(Pics to come)

Can't wait to see what the next date has in store. Stay tuned!

A New year...hence new changes will ensue

...Save As...

           And so another year has managed to slip by...just to recap since it has been a huge amount of time since I've posted here last. This last year encompassed. Me returning to school and successfully finishing, to my surprise and joy. It is crazy how something that I longed for so much, and at times never thought or mostly just fear and doubt that I would get; I now have. Not saying that it isn't something that I am happy to have I am; but things have shifted in my life, as they tend to always do. What was once an ever constant thought of importance, now drifts into just a has been. An old professor of mine coined the clever phrase Shift Happens. And back then I just chuckled it to be a clever use of literary jargon, but now it has taken on such a deeper meaning in my life.

          I think in very visual terms, most times in life I see situation as lessons that God is teaching me or revealing His grace towards me. And of course, in His true fashion He shows up whenever, not that I am complaining, and this morning it was in the fashion of a hailstorm waking me up, at 5 AM, I might add. Coming to the soon conclusion that sleep wasn't going to be an option any longer, I thought about doing some updates to my computer. Then I got a thought, every time I do something, anything, or update, I get prompted to Save As. And this phrase continuously, stuck with me through every task I continued to do. The whole process of saving and that I must relinquish control over it momentarily in order to be refreshed and renewed. I can maintain the same old document or system, by myself or I can allow something to automatically do it for me as long as I agree to allow it happen. This is just like with my relationship with God. 

          I must admit, I plan and I mean plan to a T. It's something I've always done and love doing, so much that I decided to make an collegiate career out of it :) But one thing that I know God always tries to instill in me is that I can't plan or do it all; and where I fall short is where he fills in the ever growing gap. My life is going to continue to grow with new opportunities, responsibilities, interests, and relationships. But there is always going to be part of me that wants certain aspects or experiences to stay the same and be frozen in a small ripple of time like personal snowglobes. But that isn't life and that is not what God intended it to be either. He wants us to go through things and experience it all. The joys and the trials, so that we can come out on the other side stronger, closer, and more like Him. And He is all perfect, lacking nothing. And in order to lack nothing, you have to got through something. So in order for me to grow, I need to well grow. I need to be willing to allow God to come in and make the improvements to become better. Not everyone will be on board with these changes, and I might resist them somewhat myself, but it's not my will but His. 

        The beauty of God's love is that He will love me regardless of what I do. I have made my share of mistakes in life, but he loves me anyway and through it all. Looking back over the last year, I have grown and changed even if slowly, but through it all I have been blessed. I had an opportunity to live out one of my dreams of event management in an internship for a symphony. Where I met some of the funniest, hard working, and influential people. To think that I applied for weeks for internships all over the country, and when I began to doubt and feel unworthy of any opportunity outside of my comfort zone, a visual blessing happened. I remembered I was working looking for a homework assignment and my father on the phone, pinpointed the exact place I had left it. Huffing in frustration, and likely rolling my eyes at the thought of someone that is not presently in my shoes telling me their suggestions of what I should do. But as soon as I gave up the hopeless attempt of looking for it my way, I at last looked in the spot he told me to. And, but of course it was there. With direction and guidance, and after my of course running around in my typical 

(I can do/figure it out by myself) circle, I had found what I had been searching for. In my dad's usual sarcastic fashion he said

"Did you find it? Jasmine did you find it?" 

"*sheepishly* Yes"

"Can I ask you something?

"Sure"

"Can I hit you?"

"What?!?!"

"Can I hit you? You know like when the world gets tough and you get frustrated or angry and you just want to hit something...that's what I am here for, because I am your dad. And right now I am kind of frustrated and need something to hit."

In a funny way, but true way my dad is right. When the world gets tough or you seem to not be able to figure your life out sometimes, you just want to be angry. Sadly sometimes we vent it out on friends, family, or even worse unsuspecting individuals we don't even know. But instead of spinning in circles, no matter how productive we think they might are, they standardly do nothing but exhaust us and lead to destruction. Now not saying do nothing and wait for a sign every morning before getting out of bed. But there is always a balance. 

   Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God (Philippians 4:6 NIV). 

Do what you can in life and when a situation gets too much for you to bear, being able to effectively step back and agree with God that you need to stop and Save your work thus far towards the problem, but allowing him to update or finish the rest of necessary requirements in order for completion. 

       I know that an issue I have with people is obviously my boundaries. I love to love people, and typically would do whatever I can for them. However, sometimes I do believe I end up enabling people. And upon borrowing a book, which I highly recommend everyone read,  Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I see how much my life could improve by just adjusting what and how I put myself out there; in order to improve the likelihood of producing more healthy relationships. Honestly reading this book is really inspiring and enlightening and I'm only on page 31. I can't wait to read more of what it has to unfold, and watch the improvements that it continues to make in my life. Not only do I feel God trying to re-adjust how I view being a loving helpful person, but I need to change how I handle things as well. When have any problem, I typically stew over it for awhile. Eventually, I approach the usual suspects that try and help me with any problem I face, then upon collecting all my thoughts and their opinion. I typically leave in for a day or so and then wash it all out by breaking down and asking Jesus for His weigh in. And it is after that when I get my answer or at least a sense of peace. Now I could've avoided that whole cycle, by just doing the last step first; but I acknowledge that I am a work in progress, and hopefully that I am a step closer to being more of Him and less of me.  I only pray that God continues to hit Save As in my life, and I continue to see His blessings all around me. 

        As for just a mere personal note, I am living the nomadic life. Though I have always been able to make a home pretty much anywhere (which is a great and difficult at the same time). It would appear that St. Louis is supposed to be where I need to be for awhile. I am still in moments of transition, but I God Willing and I have faith that it will happen. I am so happy with so many of my current friendships. While some are changing and drifting apart, although hard it all seems deep down it's for the best. In addition to my usual confidants, God has blessed me with an amazing man, to be there for me, through all of these changes. Despite some issues, life is always surprising me on with how things can always change for the better. When looking at my situation two months ago and all the fear I had, to now waking up and looking forward with nothing but hope. 

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” 
― Leo Tolstoy

Life as of now: Pretty good as far as I can see

      Well it's been a good few weeks. I have successfully maintained two jobs. One at a local cafe and one within the Church praise God. I have been doing well for the most part, all things considering. I have been really contemplating missions. All I really want to do is help people. Part of me wants to return to school, but the other part of me feels like I am being called elsewhere. I am somewhat a wondering soul, but if I must stay stationary right now in order to become a seasoned traveler I will do what I must. 

      I am curious about my fellow peers who have decided to marry and start their family. I am astonished by this. I wish I was so self assured that I could commit my life to someone else and then become the mother of a life that I am in charge of guiding them to become productive members of society and better yet God's family. I miss my friends at school, but it is not what I thought it would be. I thought I will be sad and so out of place at home; But I guess wherever you are you have to make the best of it. I am genuinely in a good place,  I don't think I have never been so grounded and secure in my own skin, and it's a beautiful thing. 

       I am preparing.....for what I don't know. I feel like a change in my life is coming and I can't put my finger on it but I hope that I am ready. I am conscious of some plans that I am making and  believe that there will be a place for me in church and that I will be successful in whatever endeavors that I do whether my original plans or those that he is making within me.

     So on the friend front me and my best friends have slowly drifted but remain close. Jules is out of the country and hasn't made much progress in trying to stay and touch. It's okay I know that he is busy and trying to find himself. Me and Chels are going to be doing something this summer hopefully lots of fun will ensue. And Soy and me have been drifting, it's just sad that she doesn't see it. She isn't really on the same page as me anymore which doesn't mean we can't be friends it's just things might change. And my twin sister will be home from school soon which mean it will be concerts and the Tour galore. I miss my dog and I am craving for another pet real soon. But I will have to be something that is easily manageable.

     When looking at the Bible I continuously come across verses that reminds me of God's love and how much he is willing to do for us. God loves us so much that he gave his only Son for us. How many people are willing to sacrifice their child for others, not many if any. Even Abraham had trouble when God commanded him to, but it was just a test that God wants to see our faith. He will never give us more than we can handle he just wants to remember in time of struggle who he is and that our faith should be in Him at all times. In this last year I have forgotten that a few times, but I pray that I never will again. 

           ~ I pray and wish many blessing on those around me and you! ~

A year ago.. in retrospect

So in the last year so much has occurred in my life. A year ago I was facing the darkest days of my life. I didn't see a point in living and I thought that God was still alive but turned his back and took a break and said figure it out for yourself for awhile little girl. I was alone and scared. I went through heartache and deep sadness. I finished the semester though and of course dean's listed it with the help of my family. But when do you draw the line of help and over helping. Most likely it would have been a more smart decision to have just came home but perfectionist me wanted to finish, which I ended up taking an incomplete and finishing mid summer. I pleaded with my parents to let me stay, but sometimes you truly don't know what you want when you are so blinded. So with the help of church and friends I was ready to tackle another year at the 'Ville. I did it until the last two weeks in which I got a bad sinus infection that turned into a cold. So of course I was looking for spring for redeeming the time lost. But a week after my 21st birthday I had vertigo and a migraine to top all others, making it so bad that it reeked havoc on my vision and nerves that I couldn't walk. So of course going through the gamut of doctors and physical therapy and six weeks later I was about 70% but by that time too much school had passed. So I had to make the decision that I couldn't bear. I took a medical withdrawal and taking the semester off. 


When I first made this  decision I was scared and didn't know what I would do with myself. As I slowly got used to the idea and became more and more involved in church, I realized it is not what I am to do with myself, but what He will do with me. For some reason I was meant to have this exact time off and I was supposed to go through this year, to either be able to relate to someone better or just for me to become a better person. I have never felt so close to God than I do now. And life at home is a tad bit different and difficult at time but as long as I have my MP3 I'm home. I do miss school and the events but it's ok, I will see them again and I love visiting. If it was possible to grow a new soul and have an outlook on life, than I did it. I am just not on the same stuff I was on before, not to criticize any of my friends that are still there, but I have seen and embraced this new lifestyle and I refuse to turn back. I am looking at a missions trip or maybe interning at IHOP. Not too sure where life will take me right now but I know that God will be there every step of the way guiding my path. I will be writing more on this soon, its been awhile but I prefer this to a journal anyway.

So new stuffs going on

So guess what?? You want to know what has been up?? So much lots of things and a little friend called life!!! 


So the phase of enlightenment occurs when you realize that you still have so much to learn and can grow to become someone better. For some it occurs sooner than others and like every other thing in life I'm on the slow bus (but whatever).


Family: Brandon is gone and it is really hot where he is. My parents are my parents enough said. Me and dad got new phones which if you know my family is a big deal. Mom misses Brandon but hides it well. Grandma is serious about moving and so is her sister (bad idea). 


Maryville: So Maryville, the place that I have discussed so many times before. Yes I am still there and learning to appreciate it. After all that I have been through this semester I cannot imagine being anywhere else in the world. How understanding and accomadating everyone is/was is mind stopping. 


Happiness: so according to a pearl that I got from a mollusk yes mollusk. Happiness is something that is acquired and kept but also lost. Now I don't really believe that it can be lost, I think that it is a state of being that can be upheld only if you treasure such a thing.
And for me it is something that I have and am not giving up. It is a new me and I like/love it/ gotta have it. But yeah I gotta say I'm liking this new attitude as Patti Labelle would declare. I wouldn't have a lot of my new blessings if I didn't have it and I don't regret some of the people that I've lost along the way. A lot of it has to do with the people that I now surround myself with. And that would have to include a new boy. Yes new boy who is fantastical. And I cannot believe how lucky and blessed I am to have him in my life.

Your subtleties.... They strangle me..... I can't explain myself at all.

     Sorry about the melodramatic title. It seems as though as I have began to get more peace in my life the drama somehow finds me again and comes to rear it's ugly head again. I feel as though if I stay I will wish that I went and if I go I will regret that I ever left. I have no idea or clue what I want. 


     The worst thing that someone can ever do for me is assume that they know me. That is just like spitting in my face, don't act as though since we shared a cappuccino and exchanged a few words that you are ready to write my autobiography. People who say stuff to to the effect of "I feel like I don't know you anymore"  should receive the response did you ever? But they usually get a casual and cordial head nod, that will give them the perception that I understand what they are saying and will take it into account tomorrow when I wake up. HA!!  I don't fit into your mold of token black girl or they mold of hood figure. Wait stop hold the phone, who ever died and left you in charge of dishing out labels. Having to deal with people on a daily basis trying to analyze me and categorize me into their boxes pisses me off. GUESS WHAT make a new box that is marked unsure or make a new friend. (I love the two pictures that I posted the top one of the guy is one of my all time favorites I feel like him a lot in my life, the one to the left is a girl with many post it notes/ labels on her except for the most important one happiness). Don't tell me that I need to be more like your hypocritical self. That is something else that I cannot stand if you know that you are not living right don't offer up help or words of advice to anyone... save them for YOURSELF... because you probably need it more than I do.  My life is an open book and if you want to truly be my friend and get to know me then take my hand and I will never let go, of this I am sure.


      I know that reverting to past ways will be frowned upon by many, but when the new aged techniques don't work I don't know what else to do, when all of the things go bump in the middle of the night. Well I know that I didn't sign up for this ... and guess what I will leave it all behind.. not metaphorically but literally... life is change and I have the power to decide the choices I make in my life and I will start now. One of my best friends Chelsea stated once that she would not drink due to the inkling that she would become an alcoholic, I laughed then but understand now. I would too probably use the drink to ease the labor pains that come with waking up everyday and living life. No one ever said that life would be easy so when it is not, you have no one to complain to.  I feel like those types of coping mechanisms are nothing but crutches --> a way for you to leave reality for a while. But you know what it will be waiting for you when you come back. I don't see any sense in trying to run away from life it will come back and bite you even harder than before.  


      I reflect back to the days of my youth and wonder how the world could change so much in a short period of time. It seemed like everyone could and wanted to be my friend. That boys had cooties and weren't meant to be loved in the same way that your daddy was. That the world was a sweet and big place free from oppression and double standards. I look around at little children now a days and want to shake them and tell them to WAKE UP and breathe in reality. But who am I to do such a thing, when no one did this to me. It is up to each individual to believe in what they want to. Some people live in an idealistic world, where everything is sunshine, kittens and magical unicorns. Some people live in a pessimistic world, where there is no way that they can ever win and everyone set up road blocks just for them. Now me and most of those that I surround myself with live in the realistic world. This is where we embrace both natures of the other worlds and interpret them to the world that we live in and relate our own personal experience to them. For instance I know that not all the world is racist, but I cannot erase the incident from my first time on my college campus when a drunken fellow student (whom I did not know) called me a n***er to my face. Now I will repeat I know that the whole world is not racist, but when I think of race this is one of the images that pops in my mind. Not allowing me to adopt the optimistic attitude due to me having proof of the contrary. 
  
    I miss my family and yet still  have the need to be detached. My brother is at the point in his life where many people would call a cross roads. He could accept the peace corps offer or go back to school. Of course I want him to choose the latter, but this like many things is not up to me. I just want him to be happy because that is all that really matters at the end of the day. He has a heart for missionary work and I get that, but it still pulls at my heart strings to know that he won't be four hours away. My mother who usually protective me and wants to shield me, is someone who occupies my mind and phone a lot. I miss her being there when I wake up and being my reference when life gets a little too tough. Even though I barely make time to talk to her when she calls. I maybe speak to my family once a month, messed up I know. Why I do this, I wish I knew. My dad I don't know what to say about him. He loves me, but I can count on one hand how many times he has verbalized it. But he shows it in his actions by getting up and going to work everyday and spending the night on my floor when I am sick. I love my family and need to make a point to show them my true sentiments more. 


     I continually pray for patience and understanding. I want to be able to embrace others and their stories and they my own. I want patience to deal with people whom I do not understand and those who wish to understand me but just can't. It is hard to understand why God has giving me such opportunities that I feel like others should have been bestowed and would be able to do so much better than I would in my own current state. Why does God constantly put my name in the minds of my superiors. When I feel on a daily basis that I am doing a million things wrong, and yet they perceive it all as right. Unnecessary pressure is a understatement. But I am striving through him to be able to take the blessings that he has given me and make them bountiful. 


~Repent and Praise Imo-hem ~
~ So let me take this medicine. To quench my love of violent things. My swan song will. Be like a bullet  laced in anger. As the razor cuts the soft spot of my heel. 
Do you see. The life I life I lead. And so follow me into the sun.~